Certainty

As I watch and listen to the emerging stories of transgender children, what strikes me the most is how certain they are about their gender.  They know they are boys or girls, in spite of what their parents and others say, in spite of what kind of bodies they were born with. I enjoy hearing these stories because they help validate the transgender experience, that this is something inborn and not caused by bad parenting or whatever.  At the same time, I'm troubled that the current transgender party line seems to be an emphasis on certainty; trans people are 100% sure of their gender, that there is no doubt and was never any doubt.  That doesn't jibe with my experience, though I did tell my mother when I was a small child that I wanted to be a girl.  It's safe to say that I'm not sure of much of anything, at least not for long (that's probably why I'm a Unitarian Universalist). 

So what am I sure of, as pertains to gender?

1. I know I like to wear women's clothing, jewelry, and makeup.  I've been doing it since the age of three, though my parents made it clear that it was not acceptable.
2. I want to look more like a woman.  I spend a lot of time thinking about what steps I can take to make myself look more feminine (under the radar).  I would prefer having a feminine hairstyle, more feminine curves, and a lot less body hair.
3. I usually feel a deep sense of peace and rightness when I'm in feminine mode.  When I look in the mirror and see a woman looking back at me, my soul says "yes". 
4. I'm generally more comfortable in the company of women than men.  I could care less about the things that most men talk about, while I often find women's conversations interesting.  All my healthcare providers (family doctor, dentist, optometrist, etc.) are women.  I like chick flicks--well, at least some of them.
5. I feel pretty comfortable interacting with people as a woman.  I feel more sociable, somehow.  And I like being addressed with a feminine name, pronouns, and honorifics.  I don't even mind it when someone calls me "ma'am" when I'm in male mode.
6. I'm very sensitive and empathetic.  It's not uncommon for me to get teary-eyed during a tender moment, or to feel real pain when seeing someone else suffer.

Does all this mean that I'm really a woman?  Beats me!  I really don't know what it means to be sure of your gender.  It just doesn't compute with me.  I'm sure that I'm me, that's all.  And I'm also sure that:

1. I've been socialized from birth as a male.  I know how to navigate social settings as a male pretty well.
2. I have a male body and am comfortable with my "plumbing".
3. I have a male voice.  Especially important for someone who sings, my voice falls within the male range.
4. I'm attracted to women.
5. I've built a career as a male and have generated a lot of good will that has helped me stay employed through numerous layoffs, corporate buyouts, etc.
6. Society often exacts a heavy price on those who publicly cross gender lines.  Sometimes it's marginally OK to change from one gender to the other, as long as you're never ambiguous and are certain about your gender identity (from birth, if possible).

So add all those things together, and what do you get?  I don't seem to fit comfortably anywhere.  I'm unable to pledge my allegiance to the idea that there's two, and only two genders.  Even if I someday transition to full-time womanhood, I don't think I'll ever be 100% certain.  Most likely I will always be a square peg.  But I'm not sure of that either.