To Be "Real"

Well, I try my best to be just like I am
But everybody wants you to be just like them.
                                  -Bob Dylan, "Maggie's Farm"

From my earliest days in the transgender community, I have occasionally encountered people--always male-to-female transsexuals who are living as women full-time--who have regarded anyone who is not on their path with condescension and even scorn.  To be more specific, they regard people like me--who are not actively in transition to full-time womanhood, and/or who can only outwardly manifest their inner woman part-time--are just wannabes and not real transgender people.  Some even state that those who are not full-time have no right to call themselves transgender.

I have to admit, this attitude really raises my hackles--so much so, in fact, that I am having to try very hard to make this blog entry something other than a string of profanities.  Yes, it usually takes a great deal of struggle, pain, and loss to transition.  Kudos to those who make it through.  But transition is not everyone's path.  Some simply don't need to.  They have found another way to be at peace with their gender identity.  Others can't, because of life circumstances and obligations.  Some, like me, are uncertain if transition to full-time is the answer; I personally feel very conflicted and am feeling my way through one day at a time.  I consider all of the above to be transgender people; we all feel some discomfort with our assigned gender or some pull away from that gender.

I was once informed by a transwoman on a Unitarian Universalist LGBT mailing list that I was either a woman or a man--that if I didn't go full-time and have genital reassignment surgery, then I was only a man who was pretending to be transgender.  (Oh, and that bisexuals are only gays in denial.)  Very black-and-white thinking and atypical for UUs.  Folks, life is not black-and-white--it just isn't.  The two conventional genders in our culture, man and woman, are generalizations and oversimplifications of a more complex reality.  Quite a few of us just don't fit--to me, that's the definition of transgender.  I'm a person in that gray area, and I will not be erased or minimized because I don't fit into a neat little box, or walk a particular path.  My feelings are just as real, just as valid, as anyone else's.  Life is not a contest, and there is no one correct way to get through it.  My wish is that those who wish to denigrate those who are different from them find a way to cultivate a little wisdom and a lot more empathy.

The December of Wendy

It's been a long time since my last post. Events of the last few years have made my life increasingly chaotic and my time to devote to this blog has been, and will continue to be, limited. My wife is suffering from a degenerative disease and so she needs ever-increasing amounts of care. Plus I have involuntarily changed jobs. So, too, time for getting out and about as Wendy has decreased. Until very recently.

I had a couple of landmark events earlier in the year. Back in May I made my first appearance during a church service as Wendy. That went very well, but it was a big step and I felt I needed to draw back and get my bearings. Then in November I attended our church's Women's Retreat for the first time, to my knowledge making me the first person to have attended both Men's and Women's Retreats. That also went very well; although I only attended for one day instead of the whole weekend, I participated in a number of activities. One of the scariest in a way was doing an hour-long yoga workshop. I do yoga pretty much every day but this was my first time as Wendy. I was a bit worried about losing my wig and/or breast forms, but somehow managed to keep together. Anyway, it was an enjoyable day, I was totally accepted, and I was invited back next year.

Meanwhile, a TS woman joined our church choir, and somehow her presence spurred me toward making further appearances as Wendy during church services. I still had some apprehension about this; as I have blogged before, it is difficult to switch genders back and forth in a social setting. I felt like I almost had to renegotiate all my relationships with people who know me primarily through my male identity. I also had major apprehensions about stand up in front of everyone while singing in the choir. I talked about these things with the minister of our church; she was very encouraging and positive, and assuaged my fears for the most part.

At church

So for three Sundays in a row in December, which happened also to be special holiday services, I attended as Wendy. I even rehearsed and sang with the choir--in the tenor section. I could have sung alto, but our choir has a greater need for tenors. That felt a little odd, especially on a couple of songs where the tenors and basses sang sections without the altos and sopranos. Mostly I felt very relaxed and not out of place at all. Occasionally someone slipped and called me by my male name, but I expected that. A number of people didn't recognize me, even though I sat in my same old place and sang in the same old place. Even the choir director didn't recognize me at first, despite having been given advance notice! I was a little disconcerting having people I know walk right by me with no sign of recognition, though. I was greeted with some warm hugs and compliments, too. It was overwhelmingly a positive experience.

New Year's Eve

I followed that up with an all-too-rare shopping trip and a New Year's Eve party as well. As the party was disco-themed, I scored a pair of very gaudy sparkly silver 4-inch platform heels. I wore a formal gown and a tiara to top it all off. I had a wonderful time that night, too. I saw a number of people I hadn't seen in a while, hugged some, surprised others, danced, talked, and generally felt a warm glow. Incredibly, I didn't break an ankle in those heels, though I did lose a pair of sequined earrings.

Having ended the year in so glorious a fashion, I am now faced with questions: What now? How often am I going to attended church services as Wendy? Where am I going? But those are topics for other blog entries.