How much longer can I do this?
It didn't seem like it would be a big deal at first. Since I'd been living as a man my entire life, with sporadic time spent as a woman, I thought I could keep doing it indefinitely. But a line was crossed at some point, and I can't seem to go back. It used to be relatively easy to cross the gender line, to switch back and forth, but it's becoming harder and harder.
Every Monday morning, after a weekend of existing as a woman, I put on men's clothing, slick back my hair, find that deeper voice, crawl back into that emotional shell, and try to pretend that it's OK. It's not hard to act masculine after all these years of practice, but I'm aware of the artifice now. I'm know that I'm not presenting my true face to the world, that I'm to some extent lying to everyone. And I feel as if it's slowly killing me.
Imagine you've had this old pair of shoes forever. At first they seemed to fit, if not comfortably, then not painfully. But now you find that every step you take hurts your feet more and more. You have found a really comfortable new pair of shoes, but you can only wear them occasionally, and the rest of the time you have to wear your old shoes. That's where I am.
There are plenty of good, practical reasons for me not to transition to full-time womanhood right now. Physically, I still have quite a bit of facial hair removal to get through, to say nothing of the other bodily changes. Legally, I haven't even started any of the things needed to change my gender and name in the eyes of the government. My employment situation is the trickiest piece, and really what is standing in my way at this point. I don't feel as if the way will be clear until at least the end of the year. But can I hold out that long?
My soul is crying for release. These old shoes are hurting me. I want to be who I am, proclaim it to the world, and get on with my life. God knows, god knows I want to break free.
