Do I want everyone to know I'm transgender? I've been thinking about this lately. It's been more than 9 months since I fully socially transitioned, but I find that my mind is far from settled on how I feel about being known as a trans woman.
I lived with a very large secret from as far back as I can remember until last October. I very early on learned to hide my feelings and outwardly conform to the appearance of a cisgender male. That secret was very hard to bear and took an enormous amount of emotional energy to maintain. Once I became willing and able to share the secret with more and more people, it was a huge relief. It is so freeing to not have to lie about yourself. I never want to go back to that place again.
At the same time, I'm conscious that being a known trans person is likely to be a liability in many circumstances. I thankfully have very accepting people in my life. For them, it's no big deal. But to others in the world, trans people are perceived as a threat--never mind that the threat is imaginary. To be able to be seen as a cisgender woman in the larger world is definitely a boost to safety and privilege--and given the misogyny, harassment, and threat of violence to which all women are subject, that's saying something. I'm aware that I am lucky enough to be seen as a cis woman by the casual observer. I have no confidence that the illusion holds up to scrutiny. I feel like people figure out I'm trans if they spend any amount of time around me.
I still struggle with confidence in myself as a woman. I'm always aware of being different from most other women. I often feel awkward; my education in the ways of women seems half-done. There are so many little things to learn that most take for granted. In my darkest moments, I look in the mirror and see a man in a dress. I expend a lot of effort in trying to look "put together", partly to combat my insecurity (partly because I like clothes and makeup). Sometimes I tire of being "the transgender one", a curiosity. Sometimes I long to be known simply as a woman.
I'm not ashamed of being transgender, or of my past. I'm proud of how far I've come. Sometimes I enjoy being "special". And one of the advantages of getting older is that one gradually stops caring what other people think. However, I also know that being a known trans person has definite risks. It's still early days in my transition, and there is lot to process and come to terms with. Do I want everyone to know I'm transgender? Still wrestling with that one.
