Way back in 2001 or thereabouts, I wrote a song called "Pariah". The lyrics are a bit cryptic, but it's basically about a person who goes crazy at work and starts singing and dancing in their cubicle until they're carried off. Some of the lyrics, though, are less fantasy and more autobiography:
Daring to dream I'm as good as you
Was I made in His image, too?
Once I thought I knew (Afraid of knowing where I belong)
Even then, I was acknowledging that I was afraid of knowing the truth about myself. And I have been pretty successful in my denial. In fact, for someone who is so introspective, my capacity for self-deception is astonishing. Even as I type this, I hesitate in stating the unvarnished truth.
I want to be a woman.
There it is. To be fair, I have long admitted that "in a perfect world", I would choose to live in a more feminine role. If there were a third gender role, I would belong to that gender. But this is the real, imperfect world, and it's time I confront what I really want for the rest of my life in this world.
I have been thinking about transition a lot in the past year or so. Trying it on for size in my mind--if I transitioned to full-time womanhood, what would I do in this or that situation. Most likely another transition--my wife's decline in health and the inevitable end of that decline--has been a stimulus, forcing me to examine what my life will be like after she's gone. And middle age is a time to reexamine the road you're on. Yesterday morning I was brought up short when I suddenly realized that I am already transitioning!
When did it start? When I started coming out to people at church? When I starting writing a transgender rock opera? Or is it more recently, when I started laser hair removal on my face? That was certainly taking it to a whole new level. My decision to start coming to church services as Wendy was probably the real turning point. At first I was a little ambivalent, but as I've grown more comfortable and confident I've gotten to the point that I'm reluctant to go as a male. I've started going to other social events as a woman as well--keeping within my comfort zone, but pushing the envelope all the same.
There are other ways that I am not-entirely-consciously preparing the way for a full-time existence. For quite some time I have been reluctant to spend any money on men's clothing. I need to replace several articles of clothing that are becoming old and worn-out, but am uninterested in doing so. I just can't bring myself to buy a new pair of men's shoes or shirts or underwear. I am forever planning more hair removal on pretty much my entire body, and other cosmetic changes like a more feminine hairstyle and pierced ears (and forever procrastinating).
Beyond mere appearance, I have become more reluctant to identify myself as a man. When my wife refers to me as her husband or as a man, I feel little gnat bites of pain in my heart. I am beginning to identify more with my women friends and less with my men friends. I have long counted myself a feminist, but take it more personally than I used to. Generally, my gender dysphoria is on the increase.
So is it inevitable that I will transition to full-time womanhood? I don't know. There are so many rational reasons not to, reasons I have spelled out in other blog entries. Who would choose to do something that could cost them family, friends, and employment? Who would give up male privilege for the misogyny, inequality and downright belittlement women have to deal with all the time? Even more, who in the world would want to be a visibly transgender woman and risk ridicule, harassment, violence and death at the hands of transphobic rednecks? Who would transition in northeast Tennessee, for Pete's sake?!?
Can my rational and well-founded fears stop my heart's yearning? Once I thought I knew.
Afraid of knowing where I belong...
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