Remembrances of Nerdiness Past

Reading this article about nerds and misogyny started my memory a-stirring.  You see, I was a teenage nerd.  Well, in truth, I'm still a nerd, but anyway...I was a shy, introverted, intelligent guy; skinny, small, wore glasses, read a lot, a little socially backward--pretty much your textbook case.  As mentioned in previous entries, I also hated myself because I liked to dress as a girl, tended toward femininity, and identified to some extent with girls my age.  I was depressed a lot, though I tried not to show it, and I was always in fear that someone would discover my secret.

Despite that, I actually had quite a few friends, both male and female.  I was the guy that girls loved to talk to but were never attracted to.  All my male and female friends were busily dating and doing all the things that teenagers do--but not me.  As I grew older, I increasingly felt isolated, freakish, and resentful.  My self-loathing grew, and I erected an emotional wall around my heart.  I resented men for being able to attract women, and I resented women for not being attracted to me.  I'm afraid I veered at times into misogyny, which was probably fueled by the hatred I felt for my own feminine tendencies.

Eventually, I learned that there were others like me and started to accept my transgender nature.  At last, one cold January Friday night, I attended my first transgender support group meeting.  For the first time, I revealed myself as Wendy to other people, and was accepted.

The next day, I was walking on air.  I felt so free, so courageous, so happy, so confident--perhaps for the first time in my life.  I attended a planning meeting for my high school reunion and noticed that one of the women there seemed very interested in me--she was hanging on my every word, laughing at my jokes; in short, she seemed attracted to me.  It was a new experience, and a harbinger of the ensuing months.  I attended more support group meetings, allowing myself to more fully explore and accept my feminine aspect.  I wasn't fully free of bouts of depression, but my spirits began to lift and my self-loathing receded into the background.  And like magic, later that year I managed to meet and start a romantic relationship with a woman, really for the first time.

It may seem trite, but I really believe you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you.  Not love yourself in a narcissistic sense, but accept who you truly are--warts and all.  The problem was not other people; it was me.  Now, I'm still a nerd, but a nerd who, through much effort and painful growth, has found love.