Fear Itself

At the end of 2014, I reflected on the past year and contemplated the near future in a blog entry called “The Year of Wendy”.  I was filled with fear at what was coming: the continuing decline and ultimate death of my wife, and transitioning to full-time female.  I was convinced that both experiences would be hellish, filled with suffering and pain.  Now I am on the other side of those experiences, and thinking about my fear versus the reality of both situations.

I am blessed (and cursed) with a very vivid imagination.  Add to that a worldview that leans toward the pessimistic, and a generous dollop of fear, and—voila!—you have a tendency to imagine nightmare scenarios for any given situation.

In the case of my wife’s illness, which included dementia, I was full of fears that she would forget me and everyone else completely, that she might become either violent or catatonic, and that I would be forced to put her in a nursing home, where she would be scared and lonely.  Ultimately, I feared she would die alone, not knowing who she was or how deeply she was loved.

Events unfolded much differently.  Although her mental capacity was much diminished, she never forgot the people around her or herself.  She retained her curiosity and humor up to near the end.  And she died at home, peacefully, with me holding her hand.  Don’t get me wrong—it was by no means easy or fun.  It was the most difficult experience I have ever had or am likely to have.  There were times when it seemed like we were both in hell.  But despite all that, my fearful imaginings were far, far worse than the reality.

Considering my gender transition, I was similarly full of doom-filled prognostications.  I feared I would lose my family, friends, and job.  Perhaps I would be unemployable and become destitute.  Maybe someone would vandalize my house or car, beat me up, or even try to kill me.  Unfortunately, these things all really do happen to transgender people, so my fears were not unjustified.

Again, the reality has so far been much different.  Yes, I have lost family—whether temporarily or permanently remains to be seen.  I currently am not welcome in the home in which I grew up, and that is very, very hard.  However, aside from that, my transition has been remarkably painless.  I have the support of many family members and friends who love me as I am.  My legal name and gender changes have been remarkably easy.  And my transition at work has gone astoundingly smoothly.  

Everyone knows the quote from Franklin Delano Roosevelt, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”.  It’s almost a cliché.  But it’s true.  My worst enemy throughout my life has been my fear and my ability to imagine Armageddons everywhere.  What I have gone through in the past few years has been very, very difficult.  But the fear and associated anxiety have caused me much more suffering than was needful.  I hope that in the future I will be able to more successfully limit my fears to the probable instead of the possible.