I'm now somewhere in the middle of my transition. Though I'm mentally ready, and indeed, impatient, there remain some things that I want to have in place before beginning to live completely as a woman. In the meantime; I am troubled and rather in a quandary regarding when to come out to some of my oldest friends.
Recently I have been getting some invitations to cookouts, parties, game nights, etc. from friends who don't yet know what is happening with me. Though I still care about them and want to see them, they expect to see me in my male guise, and it is becoming difficult for me to bring myself to "dress in drag" for their sake. So I make excuses, and the bonds of friendship grow ever weaker.
Why don't I just bite the bullet and tell them, you might ask. There are two main reasons. The first is that I fear losing their friendship. I haven't told these people because I doubt that they will be able to accept me as I really am. Yes, intellectually I know that if they can't accept me, they weren't really my friends. The person they have known all these years has been a shadow of my full self, and in a way they really don't know me at all. Still, the bonds of friendship are old and deep, and I am loath to risk severing them.
The second reason revolves around my job. I feel it is necessary that my employer and coworkers do not find out about my transition until I am ready to tell them. Now, I have two main circles of old friends. In each circle, there is at least one person that has some connection with my employer and/or my coworkers. If I tell one person in either circle, I think the entire circle will know. So there is a real risk, especially if they don't react well to my revelation, that word would get out prematurely, and possibly dim my prospects for a successful transition at work.
You see my dilemma. While I'm in this in-between state, there seems no good solution. However, it is getting emotionally harder to continue going to work as a male, and my impatience to get on with it is growing. It may be that I will come to the point that I need to proceed before I have all the desired ducks in a row. I know difficult times are still ahead, and I look forward to a time when all this is well behind me.
