Pronoun Trouble

Misgendering is the term for using the wrong pronouns to address someone.  As a transgender person, I unfortunately get misgendered a lot.  Recently I had an experience of misgendering that brought me to the point of tears.

Let me explain first that misgendering is a big deal to me, though I try not to show it.  In fact, it can be humiliating.  Every time someone refers to me as "he" or "him", it feels as if my very identity is called into question.  I feel judged as "inadequately female"; that despite my feminine name, clothing, hair, makeup, and all the other obvious cues, I am still seen as a man.  That's heartbreaking.

In my most recent experience, I was sitting at a table with a group of men.  Most knew of my past, but one or two did not.  One of the men, a friend for many years, consistently used the wrong pronouns.  Well, in situations like this I'm confronted with the choice of how to handle it.  Do I ignore the stabbing pains in my heart?  Do I correct the person, over and over again?  In this case, correcting him would have meant drawing attention to his mistake, and therefore drawing attention to the fact that, on some level, I am a man to him, in full view of people who may not know that I'm trans--an embarrassing situation for both of us.  In the end, I chose to try to ignore it, and just bottled up the feelings of anger and hurt.

I know what I should have done--I should have taken him aside, privately, and let him know what he's doing.  That's still what I need to do.  But it's very, very difficult for me to confront someone like that, and even more so when I'm dispirited by repeated blows to my confidence.

Let me stress that all of the misgendering I routinely experience is unintentional.  Additionally, there's a big difference between the occasional slip-up, quickly corrected, and repeated unconscious and uncorrected mistakes.  I truly do understand that mistakes happen.  And I do realize that misgendering is really more about the person doing it than about me.  Despite knowing all that, it still hurts, and the more it happens, the more it hurts. It's also potentially dangerous, in that it outs me to people who may not know I'm trans, and who could be in a position to harass me (or worse) when they find out.

As the situation stands now, I know what I have to do--figure out how to confront this person in a constructive way.  My gut instinct is to avoid any interaction with him from now on, but that's not really feasible or helpful.  I don't want people to avoid me, either, in the fear of making a mistake and offending me.  None of us are perfect beings.  Having consciousness, loving intent, and a desire for positive personal change will go a long way.

Days of Future Passed

It's a long-standing personal tradition to ruminate on the year gone by.  But this time around, I wasn't sure I was going to continue the tradition. I just didn't seem to have the desire to look back, and I think that's a positive sign that I'm beginning to live more in the present than the past.  However, the spirit moved me this morning, so here I am at the keyboard.

2017 was, in some ways, not a good year, especially if one considers the social backsliding that began last January and continued throughout the year.  On a personal level, I was sick for most of the last quarter of the year, which tended to blight my outlook quite a bit.  Work was very stressful.  My vacation with friends was derailed by hurricanes.

On the other hand, the year had much to recommend it.  It was my first living full-time as a woman, for instance. I began reconnecting with old friends and strengthening friendships with newer ones.  There was the Women's March and the life-changing leadership conference I attended.  And best of all, depression was nowhere in evidence for the first time in my post-pubescent life.  Still, at times I felt a little lost and lonely.  Maybe that's the human condition.  But I'm looking forward with hopes for the new year.

First of all, I hope that my overall health will improve.  My other hopes kind of depend on that one.  I hope that I can be more involved in some aspect of social justice work.  I hope that I can get more music back in my life.  I hope that my working life will improve, and that I have more time with friends, and perhaps even family.

Finally, I anticipate at least two significant journeys ahead.  One is a physical journey abroad, which I am greatly looking forward to.  The other is an emotional journey toward reopening my heart for new romance.  I still miss Pen and I will love her forever, but I feel ready to stick my toe back into the dating waters.  I know it won't be easy.  Considering my age, gender identity, sexual orientation, political and spiritual beliefs, and the predominant culture in this area, it seems highly unlikely that I will find anyone.  It seems even more so when my relationship with Pen has raised my standards so much--I will not settle for anything less than a respectful, loving partnership.  Still, I want to try, and I think the journey will be interesting in and of itself, especially given my changed social circumstances.

As at the beginning of every new year, I have many hopes and fears, and I know all of you have your own.  Best wishes to each of you on your journey.