At the end of 2014, I reflected on the past year and
contemplated the near future in a blog entry called “The
Year of Wendy”. I was filled with
fear at what was coming: the continuing decline and ultimate death of my wife,
and transitioning to full-time female. I
was convinced that both experiences would be hellish, filled with suffering and
pain. Now I am on the other side of
those experiences, and thinking about my fear versus the reality of both
situations.
I am blessed (and cursed) with a very vivid imagination. Add to that a worldview that leans toward the
pessimistic, and a generous dollop of fear, and—voila!—you have a tendency to
imagine nightmare scenarios for any given situation.
In the case of my wife’s illness, which included dementia, I
was full of fears that she would forget me and everyone else completely, that
she might become either violent or catatonic, and that I would be forced to put
her in a nursing home, where she would be scared and lonely. Ultimately, I feared she would die alone, not
knowing who she was or how deeply she was loved.
Events unfolded much differently. Although her mental capacity was much
diminished, she never forgot the people around her or herself. She retained her curiosity and humor up to
near the end. And she died at home,
peacefully, with me holding her hand.
Don’t get me wrong—it was by no means easy or fun. It was the most difficult experience I have
ever had or am likely to have. There
were times when it seemed like we were both in hell. But despite all that, my fearful imaginings
were far, far worse than the reality.
Considering my gender transition, I was similarly full of
doom-filled prognostications. I feared I
would lose my family, friends, and job.
Perhaps I would be unemployable and become destitute. Maybe someone would vandalize my house or
car, beat me up, or even try to kill me.
Unfortunately, these things all really do happen to transgender people,
so my fears were not unjustified.
Again, the reality has so far been much different. Yes, I have lost family—whether temporarily
or permanently remains to be seen. I
currently am not welcome in the home in which I grew up, and that is very, very
hard. However, aside from that, my
transition has been remarkably painless.
I have the support of many family members and friends who love me as I
am. My legal name and gender changes
have been remarkably easy. And my
transition at work has gone astoundingly smoothly.
Everyone knows the quote from Franklin Delano Roosevelt, “The
only thing we have to fear is fear itself”.
It’s almost a cliché. But it’s
true. My worst enemy throughout my life
has been my fear and my ability to imagine Armageddons everywhere. What I have gone through in the past few
years has been very, very difficult. But
the fear and associated anxiety have caused me much more suffering than was
needful. I hope that in the future I
will be able to more successfully limit my fears to the probable instead of the
possible.
