(Sorry for the title, but I couldn't resist.)
I think it's pretty hard for for people to understand my particular variety of transgender. Heck, it's pretty hard for me to understand. Mostly that's because of the conflict between our binary conception of gender and my internal gender, which I believe falls somewhere in between male and female.
Transsexuals have the advantages of a relatively easy set of metaphors (x trapped in a y body, etc.), and a clear destination (i.e., they identify fully with a particular gender). I'm not saying that they have it easy--they don't. I don't think any trans person has it easy. But I think people have an easier time understanding transsexuals because they don't call the gender binary into question so much.
Then there's me. I do experience gender dysphoria--there is a conflict between my internal (brain) gender and my body. However, from all I've heard and been told, it is of a different order of magnitude from most transsexuals. I discussed this in an earlier blog entry--I don't experience distress about my genitals. But in large part, I do wish my body was more female-looking. I feel better and more attractive when I'm in feminine mode. In my case, it's mostly hair that distresses me most--the scarcity of it on top and the proliferation elsewhere. Sometimes I do wish I had breasts, and smaller hands and feet. Occasionally, I think about taking female hormones, but am frightened by the accompanying loss of male sexual function and the fact that it would become harder to pass as a man. My voice is another source of conflict, as I love singing, doing impressions and generally using silly voices. I'm getting a little better at using a more feminine-sounding voice as Wendy, but if I had to sacrifice my lower register permanently I would miss it.
I do think of transitioning to full-time female sometimes. But, unlike most of my transsexual brothers and sisters, I would feel loss at giving up my male identity. And since my gender dysphoria is not so severe that it overrides all other concerns, and absent a third gender role in society, I'm left with a choice. I can transition to full-time female, which I believe would be a better fit in some ways. However, I would most certainly lose my job, and given the fact that the IT pool is so small in this area, I would almost certainly be blacklisted and either have to take a job in another profession or move. Since the state I live in does not recognize same-sex marriage, my marriage would be invalidated if I managed to get my gender legally changed to female--not good at any time, even worse given the state of my wife's health. Furthermore, I would be a lesbian with male genitals, which would perhaps make me even more of a social pariah. Of course I could have GRS (Genital Reassignment Surgery), but since I really have no desire to do that, it would be a surgery forced upon me by social pressure and not something I really wanted to do. Oh, and some, perhaps all, of my family would cut off contact with me. The employment difficulties mentioned before would no doubt force me to move, so I would be separated from my friends--and I don't make friends quickly or easily. This is not a very appealing scenario.
The other choice is to remain as I am--living in a male role most of the time, spending enough time in a female role to keep me sane. It's a compromise solution, but I get to keep my job, my family, the friends I treasure. I'm lucky in that I have an accepting spouse and a church community that has thus far shown me nothing but love and support. Right now I'm not thinking much about the future or how my circumstance or feelings may change in times to come. I'm just taking one day at a time, grateful for what I have.
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